Slayed By My Heart

I’m a heart-led human and I always will be, which is great, because what our world needs is more heart, and every day I exist, I know contribute to this in the most stunningly beautiful and revealing way. But there’s a subtle difference I’ve learned in being a heart-led human that’s had a powerful impact on my own life and the goodness I contribute to the world at it’s this: am I a slave to my feelings, or am I slayed by them?

I spent a large part of my heart-led life a slave to my feelings – spun out of control by them, made victim by them, unable to rationalize them and lost in them. It affected my relationships with family and friends, my ability to have a good impact on the world and my understanding of myself. Eventually, I started to realize that whatever I was doing wasn’t working for me anymore, after which I decided to explore a different way of being: to allow my feelings to slay me instead.

I’m not exactly sure where I first heard this idea of being slayed, but I think it was in a Facebook post by a friend who was using it in reference to her son, who she’d taken a particularly melty photo of as he was sleeping, and in the text section she’d written something like, “his face slays me.”

And I thought, what if instead of being a slave to my feelings, I let my feelings slay me instead. To be ‘slave to’ is become a victim and resist feeling fully; to be ‘slayed by’ is the deepest form of surrender and trust. It’s to feel the fullness of everything without resistance, all the time – the grief, sadness, joy, and beauty–it’s to feel my feelings so fully I imagine they might kill me.

It requires the deepest kind of trust in myself. To trust that when I break, which I absolutely will, I know how to piece myself back together. Because the truth is, once I allow myself to break over and over again and still remain in flow, the opposite actually becomes true: I become indestructible.

So I tried it out. First, with my husband, I let myself be slayed by how much I love him, and it changed our relationship dynamic immediately. He told me he felt much more loved by me all the time, and I felt he was much more sensitive to my heart. Then, I tried it with the world and yes, it was an emotional rollercoaster: it meant I could no longer turn away from the feelings I didn’t want to feel–from the news and world events–and I had to let everything have its full impact on me. But I became really good and processing emotional and coming back to my open-hearted baseline, and to be able to live with a fully open heart changed my life.

It takes a lot of conscious effort and work but it’s possible and the outcome is profound: when I’m slayed by my feelings, I truly do feel indestructible and I feel like my I have a much better impact on the world.